Are You Avoiding Being Successful?

“Fear of success is far more dangerous than fear of failure, because the subconscious mind works to prevent that which it fears. People may fear success because of low self-esteem and feeling of not deserving it; because it will increase what others expect of them. Fear of success shows up as anxiety, indecision, avoidance, procrastination or acceptance of mediocrity.” — Joe Tye

Last week, I wrote about the fear of failure. Today, I want to tell you a bit about a related fear — the fear of success.

It sounds impossible. Why would anyone fear success? Isn’t that what everyone wants? Isn’t that what the fear of failure is about? Not being successful? Aren’t people working themselves to death trying to earn more, be more, accomplish more, to make their parents proud, their spouses proud, or just to prove to themselves that they can do it?

These two fears have the same roots. So many of us have had childhood issues or other life experiences that have left us feeling inadequate and/or undeserving of anything good. I’m always running into people who say things like “I’m stupid” or “I’m such an idiot.” 

Ouch. That feels like an assault. I feel it on behalf of the person who said it.

When I point out what they’ve said, quite often they’ll say they didn’t realise they’d even said it — what a shame… But it’s all too true that many of us are good at negative self-talk — and it’s incredibly destructive. 

To make such comments in the first place, there must be an underlying belief that they are true. Repeating them over and over again only reinforces that belief.

We cannot help but carry with us the memories of our failures and disappointments. We are acutely aware of the disapproval of others, especially when it comes from those who are or were in positions of authority, or whose opinion has been important to us. And when we “failed” those people, it hits us at a deep level.

So why, then, do we fear success, when failure feels so bad?

It’s precisely because of those damaging beliefs about being a disappointment or a failure, or that we’ll never amount to anything. It’s because we believe we don’t deserve anything good or we’re stupid. 

It’s because we fear that even if we find success, we won’t be able to maintain it — the fear of failure again — and thus would disappoint those whose opinions matter to us. So we hold ourselves back without even being aware of it. 

We surround ourselves with people and situations that will validate what we believe about ourselves; this is human nature. Therefore, if we don’t believe we deserve or can achieve success (whatever that might mean specifically to each of us), we will continue to make choices that will ensure we don’t get it. 

And this is where self-sabotage comes in. Sometimes we’re aware that we’re doing it, but more often than not we have no conscious awareness of the fact that we’re making sure we don’t succeed. When it finally looks like all is going well and we’re on the right path with a career, or the relationship that seems to be the one we’ve always wanted, we will do something to mess it up. 

Why would we do that?

Because we don’t know how to be successful. We can’t imagine ourselves in that way. We have no vision of it. We can’t feel it. We wouldn’t know what to do with it if it were to be handed to us on the proverbial silver platter.

What’s worse is that we’re good at a lot of things. All of us have our strengths. But then there’s that one area of weakness, the one place where it went wrong. A “failure” that might have even happened in a big way. And that’s all we can see.

Typically, if we hear 25 great things about ourselves, and then one negative remark, guess what we’ll usually remember??

So it’s too easy to focus on the places where you went wrong, and forget about the places you went right. Or maybe you haven’t even gone wrong yet but throughout your life, you’ve been told that you can’t do anything right. Or maybe there’s some other reason you just don’t believe you could do anything well.

Whatever the cause, you believe you can’t get there. And your subconscious (which is always running the show) will make sure of it. 

Perhaps “not succeeding” is your thing. You’re in your comfort zone. It feels familiar to mess things up. It’s become your identity; it’s all you know. And others validate it by joking about it or making comments every chance they get. “Oh, him! Yeah, he’s done 47 jobs in the last two years. He wouldn’t be able to hold down a job if his life depended on it!” They might say it lovingly. They might laugh and think you’re laughing with them. Or they might genuinely just be insensitive morons.

But every time you hear it, it serves as validation that this is who you are.

So every time it looks like you might actually prove yourself (and possibly others) wrong, you shoot yourself in the foot. When it looks like it’s all going well, you start to wonder when it’s going to go wrong. You don’t trust that it will continue to go well. It gets scary so you start waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And when the other shoe doesn’t drop, when things keep going well, you become increasingly nervous. You can’t trust it. Things always go wrong, so this will too, right?

And the nervousness builds and it’s all terribly uncomfortable because there is no drama. Nothing is going wrong. In fact, it’s all going right. What? This just can’t be. This doesn’t happen to you; this can’t happen to you because you always get it wrong.

Eventually, it gets so uncomfortable you can’t stand it any longer. You quit waiting for the other shoe to drop and instead, you pick it up and slam the dang thing hard on the ground. There. Done!

Thank heaven you can stop waiting for it now.

Then you tell yourself — and everyone else — “See? I knew that wouldn’t last. It couldn’t last. I was right. It always goes wrong for me.”

If this sounds like you, it is possible to begin shifting this situation by looking at why you believe you shouldn’t, can’t or won’t be a success. Examine where those beliefs originated. Chances are they’re rubbish opinions from parents or teachers or even playground bullies. Maybe they came from some jerk boss or boyfriend — or a combination of these and heaven knows what other influences from your life experience.

Whatever their origin, it is possible to change those beliefs.

You’re always free to change the ones that don’t work for you. Sure, it takes some time but better to be working toward it than not, right? Time does fly and somewhere down the road, you could be looking back from a much happier, healthier perspective and feeling glad that you made the effort.

Or you can carry on as you are and never see the results you would truly love — and that you do deserve, whether or not your beliefs are currently in line with that idea. 

Where Do You Start?

Once you’ve identified the beliefs that have been keeping you from success, look at everything you do that validates them. Look at your patterns. What is your self-sabotaging behaviour?

Begin imagining yourself as successful, however you define it. See yourself in the life you want. Get a picture of it in your mind. Imagine how it would feel. You might want to create a vision board, using a collection of pictures from magazines or off the internet to represent the life you want to be living.

Keep it where you can see it several times a day; it will reinforce the vision that you’ve got in your mind. It will keep you focused on where you want to be. 

Change your language. Change your thoughts. Every time you hear any negative self-talk in your head, let it go. Imagine hitting a delete button to get rid of it or envision throwing it into a trash bin. Replace it with positive thoughts of deserving, strength, success, and empowerment. Think about the things you do well. Focus on anything that brings a sense of confidence and encouragement about your known abilities. 

One thing is for sure: if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve got.

If you’re tired of what you’ve got and you want something better, and you can see that you’re sabotaging your own efforts to get there, you have the ability to stop — and take that first step toward reaching your goals.

No, of course it won’t happen overnight. These issues can have deep roots. But that just means you have to be patient. Dig a little deeper. Yank a little harder. They will come out; it just takes time and practice. 

And when you’ve planted a whole lot of more positively-rooted thoughts and behaviours, the damaging ones will come out a lot easier. In fact, much of it is automatic; the toxic ones are crowded out, unable to survive in a positive environment.

You have to begin somewhere, right? How about examining why you keep choosing to self-destruct? You can’t fix what you don’t — or won’t — see. Once you know what you’re facing, you can begin taking steps to heal it. 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other…and one step at a time, you will begin to walk down a new and much happier path that leads to success.

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