This Is How To Stop Tolerating Intolerable Behaviour

Photo courtesy of Dwight Tracy at freerangestock.com

“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
— Maya Angelou

One of the best gifts you can give yourself is to take the above statement to heart. But if you’re like many people, you won’t. Why do we tend to give others way too many chances to prove they’re something other than what we see?

Because we like to believe the best in them. Especially if we’re honest, trustworthy people ourselves.

It’s human nature to believe that others have the same traits as we do. For example, people who are honest and trustworthy think everyone else is the same. Sometimes, they end up paying a high price for it when they believe liars and cheaters.

On the other hand, people who cheat and lie suspect that everyone else does, too. They’re the ones who are suspicious of their partners, even if the partners are perfectly loyal.

In psychology, this is often referred to as projection. It’s a self-defence mechanism; we dump unwanted traits in ourselves onto others.

Where we run into problems is when we lack the self-awareness required to see these connections, whether in our own actions or in the actions of others.

It’s good to take stock now and then and consider how we’re showing up in the world. And as this year draws to a close and another bright, new, shiny one is just around the corner, it’s a perfect time for that.

First, I invite you to take a little time to reflect on this question: What are you showing people about who you are?

Below are two aspects of this question to consider.

1. If you say it, mean it.

Talk’s cheap. Actions speak louder than words. There are loads of these old adages that although a tad tired, are all too true. And when trying to figure out if people are showing you who they are, start here.

Then listen to your gut.

How do you feel when people say things that you find out later aren’t true?

Or when they make promises to you, but then forget or simply don’t follow through and keep them? It’s one thing if they have a good reason for not following through. For example, “I was in a car accident that day.”

It’s quite another to find out that have made up stories or exaggerated just to impress you. Or when they’ve promised to do something that they had little or no intention of doing.

I’m sure you’ve been on the receiving end of incidents like these. Sadly, they are not uncommon; there are plenty of people in the world who behave like this.

I’m guessing there’s a good chance you weren’t too impressed on those occasions. It’s possible that your ability to trust those people again might even be somewhat dented and banged up.

If you didn’t appreciate that treatment, I would imagine you wouldn’t want to do it to others.

So it’s easy. When you open your mouth and words are going to come out, make sure they’re words you really mean. Be honourable. Follow through. Don’t tell people they can count on you and then leave them hanging — unless you have a good reason for doing it.

Don’t make up stuff just to impress. Your truth is perfect as it is. Don’t turn it into a lie because that just puts a big, black blotch on your spirit — and on your relationship with the person who had to hear that lie.

2. If you mean it, prove it.

Think about those televangelists who were caught having affairs and misappropriating funds. Think about the priests, teachers, lawyers and others who have been caught abusing their authority. They say one thing, and do something entirely different.

What do you think about people who have double standards? How do you feel about that? Are you absolutely certain you don’t have any yourself?

If you’re going to be a smoker, don’t tell others not to do it. If you’re going to be a couch potato, don’t tell me I ought to get more exercise.

If you’re gonna talk the talk, you’ve gotta walk the walk or no one will take you seriously.

Hypocrisy isn’t going to get you very far in life. Not if you want to have solid relationships — including the one you have with yourself.

If you’ve changed your mind often enough that even you don’t trust yourself to follow through anymore, how can you expect anyone else to trust you?

If you’ve backed down from your convictions too many times, or if you’ve chickened out of standing up for yourself, how can you expect anyone else to have any faith in you?

It’s about having integrity. Both personally and professionally, it goes a hell of a lot further than hypocrisy and cowardice.

Do yourself and any potential listeners a favour: If you know you might not live up to the words that are about to come out of your mouth, leave them where they are.

3. What are others showing you?

You’ve had a peek at what you’re showing others. Now what about what they’re showing you?

Consider the information above. Do you find yourself ignoring those issues in others? Do you put up with people who say one thing and do another on a fairly regular basis? Are you always falling for, “It’ll never happen again,” from the same person many times?

If so, you can count on more of the same.

A good question to ask yourself is: Why are you tolerating it?

This is a loaded question with endless possibilities, which is exactly why self-awareness is essential. This is something that anyone can achieve, although it takes time; it’s an ongoing journey.

If any of this is resonating with you, it might be helpful to discuss it with a counsellor or a mentor whose wisdom and insights you respect. We don’t do anything without getting some “benefit” from it, even if that “benefit” is the validation of unhealthy beliefs about ourselves. They could be buried in your subconscious but whatever they are, they’re there, waiting for you to discover them and release them.

Accepting unacceptable behaviour is a surefire way to be unhappy. It sets you up for disappointment. People take advantage of you. They treat you with disrespect.
And it won’t stop until you stop tolerating it.

Spiritual Arts Mentor and Master Teacher, Liberty Forrest, guides you in discovering who you are, why you’re here, and how to follow that path.